Friday, October 29, 2010

Healing What's Been Hidden

Last blog I talked about opening up the casket and facing the issues we buried but are still alive. Are you ready to be healed? Aren't you tired of peeling off the scabs of your wounds by reliving the hurtful and painful situation in your mind. The other day, I took some time to just cry and release some stuff in God's presence. I think that would be a great start for you too. I feel so much better after I pray and worship. You'd think I'd do it more often...just being real. My burden was released and I feel my James Brown voice!lol

Letting Go is a lifetime process because there will always be someone to forgive and something you need to let go of, and we can't afford to carry dead weight. So do me a favor and just get in God's presence and release whatever is weighing you down. Put on a worship song or something that relates to what you're going through. If you're walking in unforgiveness, the Bible says that you can't experience God's forgiveness and until you forgive, you'll be tormented in your spirit and mind. That may be what you're experiencing right now. Torment of the mind is when you're constantly thinking about what happened, you can't sleep, you're depressed, and you just have a heaviness on you that you just can't shake. Give it to God today. It's okay to cry. Crying is a release. God made tear ducts for a reason.

Now, back to the subject at hand. An intimate relationship is the ideal setting for healing repressed feelings. You learn a lot about yourself in a relationship or friendship. When you have the right people around you, you're able to be vulnerable with them and grow at the same time without worrying about them looking at you any different. When you find someone you feel safe with and loved by, all your repressed feelings begin to surface in an attempt to be healed. Through honest and loving personal relationships, you can not only learn to master the everyday tension which arises between you and another person, but you can use the relationship as an opportunity to heal old hurts, which will allow you to become a more powerfully loving and lovable person.

Healing your feelings is an ongoing process. Whenever you get to a new level of love and closeness in your relationships, a new level of deeply repressed feelings will surface in order to be healed. When you are living alone in your own separate world, it is very easy to continue repressing your feelings. This is why some people avoid relationships. It would take them too much effort and energy to continue repressing their feelings around another person. These people can only stand relationships for a certain amount of time and then they leave either physically or emotionally, by shutting down their feelings altogether. You know you are resisting dealing with some repressed feelings when you leave your partner and feel relief.

This is why so many people cry for space in relationships. They walk around with all these repressed emotions, are pretty successful at holding them down until they see the person they're dealing with, or the person they come home to. As soon as they start to open up, all of the unexpressed feelings of the day begin to surface. Rather than deal with them, it is simpler to just stay shut down.

So start being honest with yourself and your feelings. Telling the complete truth means admitting doubt when you'd rather pretend certainty, talking about your feelings when you'd rather pout, asking for what you want when you'd rather pretend everything's fine, admitting you made a mistake when you'd rather blame someone else, and sharing your hurt and sadness when you'd rather stop caring. Let Go and let God. We're in this thing together.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Face The Truth, Don't Run From It

Right now in my life, I'm being forced to deal with some deep issues I've repressed inside of me that effect me negatively. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I'm happy, and I'm a strong woman, but I still have some things I still haven't given to God yet. You see, I THOUGHT I had dealt with my But at this point I can see that I've been repressing some feelings that need to be healed. Have you seen the movie Night of The Living Dead? Well some feelings and emotions I buried are sticking their head and hands up out of the grave and I have to deal with them now!

I'm writing this blog because I am a very transparent person when it comes to my life because I wish I had someone to show me and tell me how to come out of my mess and get whole...but everyone I was around was bound. So I wanna help you get free of some stuff as I get free of some stuff too.

I don't know what feelings or negative emotions you've been trying to bury, but when you repress your negative emotions, you also repress your ability to love. The first thing you have to do is get real with yourself and what is bothering you. Look into the mirror of your heart and face these issues head on. If you are in any kind of relationship or friendship that is going somewhere, you have to tell the truth. Telling the complete truth is different from being honest or not lying. Many times you tell the truth but leave out the important Or, if you don't like the truth, you create a new truth. Do you ever smile when you are really angry? Have you ever acted mean and angry when deep inside you were really afraid? Do you ever laugh and make light of something when you feel very sad and rejected? Have you ever blamed another when you were the one feeling guilty? Me too!lol This is what I mean by not telling the complete truth.

Communicating the complete truth about your feelings is the first step in resolving emotional tension and enriching your relationships with others. Before you can communicate the truth about what you feel, you have to know what you are feeling in the first place. We as people are experts at hiding the truth about how we really feel. You can become so good at hiding the truth and suppressing who you really are that you start to believe your own lies. Your ability to feel love is directly proportional to your ability to tell the complete truth. The more truth you have in your life, the more love you will experience. Honest relationships with direct and effective communication are a source of increasing love and self-esteem because people are loving you for who you really are and not for who you're pretending to be...and that feels good. Many times we seek out relationships in order to protect ourselves from the truth. We have a sign up saying "If you don't tell me the truth, then I won't tell you the truth." These type of relationships are comfortable but don't help you grow because no one is being real about how they really feel.

When you're not honest with yourself and when you're not honest with the people you care about, it's like not watering a plant --you end up killing something that once was alive and growing. Why? Because you're covering up painful issues and not dealing with them...and as much as you try and think you're hiding them, you're not. They may not be able to put a finger on what's going on with you, but they know something is wrong. And until you deal with it, it will effect the relationship. The result of holding back the truth from someone you care for is that you end up holding back the love as well. After some time in a relationship where the truth is not expressed, you will look back and wonder: "What happened to that juicy feeling? Where did the magic go?, maybe even "Where Did The Love Go?"

The answer is that the love and magic are buried under piles of uncommunicated emotions. You simply cannot repress your negative feelings (anger, fear, hurt, guilt) and expect the positive emotions to remain alive. There is no way you can repress your emotions and it not effect your relationships or friendships. Once again I must say that when you numb yourself to your undesirable emotions, you are numbing your ability to feel positive emotions as well. I think that's why when I get excited or get a special surprise, people couldn't see my happiness on my outer surface even though I was bubbling with joy on the inside. I've been repressing my emotions for years and it just became a part of me. I cried ALONE, I confided in GOD ALONE and it was natural for me to handle things alone.

So basically I'm writing this blog to tell you everytime you suppress a feeling you don't want to deal with, you are systematically destroying your ability to express your emotions, and step by step you are killing the passion in all your relationships. It's time to deal with those memories, hurts, and pains, you try to forget, but are actually living everyday because you haven't let go of the past yet. You can't conquer what you won't confront.

*The word tells us to LOVE our neighbor AS we love ourselves. But how can we love our neighbor when we don't love ourselves? To It's time to let go. This blog is about opening up the casket and facing every emotion we tried to bury so we can face them head on and move forward. My next blog will be about Healing those repressed feelings...stay tuned.

I'm still in the book 'What You Feel, You Can Heal' by John Gray. Some of what I wrote came from the book and is inspired by this book. Get it, it'll change your life. Thanks for reading.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ever Wondered Why We as People Do Some of The Things We Do? We Just Wanna Be Loved...

I'm writing this blog today bc I revisited a book I had bought not too long ago called "What You Feel, You Can Heal". I bought this book because I was dealing with some issues from my past and needed to be free and wanted to learn how to deal with my issues instead of trying to bury them all the time. Everyone of us have been hurt but we've gone through different situations in our lives that have affected us all differently.

I found this book interesting and wanted to share this particular chapter I read about how we as people do things just for the approval or love from others. We all have learned and adopted various behavioral strategies designed to get the approval and love we need. One thing all of us need and desire is... LOVE. The book was saying that the strategies we use to get the attention we want has become a role we play, or personality type that we have learned to act out whether consciously or unconsciously.

See if you can find yourself in any of these roles I'm about to list. I also give you a solution so that you can take off the mask and be yourself from this point on if you are not. Facing the truth and dealing with your insecurites will help you heal as a person.

1. The Performer
This person was given a lot of love for performing and excelling as a child. Performance is the assumed condition for love and recognition. He is always trying to measure up to the expectations of others and many times self-imposes even higher expectations. He always feels pressured and driven to achieve and there is no time for rest. He cannot tolerate weakness or stupidity in himself or others and tends to be very critical.

Secretly, the Perfomer feels he can never be good enough, since there is always room for more growth. This type may become very attached to people and positions, since a secret fear of rejection or abandonment motivates this behaviour. He generally feels responsible for everything.

Solution: The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be loved even when he is not performing. Take more vacations and read romantic novels. Give yourself a break - the high blood pressure isn't worth it.

2. The Critic
The Critic is preoccupied with finding, pointing out and talking about the faults of others. He rejoices in criticizing and belittling those around him. He may hate part of himself, projecting that quality onto others and then becoming extremely critical and judgmental of them. Whenever he is afraid of being judged, he is quick to retaliate with a string of judgements, often sarcastic in nature. For him, the best defense is a strong and critical offense.

The Critic is obsessed with changing or even punishing others in a subconscious attemtp to change himself. He is able to soothe his own feelings of inadequacy by proving the shortcomings of others.

Solution:If you have these traits, try to begin seeing yourself in all those that you judge and criticize. Imagine yourself in their footsteps -- look for a way in which you are like them. Then forgive yourself and forgive them for not being perfect. Just as you are good at finding reasons to separate, try finding reasons to feel connected to them.

3. The Boaster
This person compensated for low self-esteem by always exaggerating the truth and bragging. While growing up, he learned that to get attention he had to dramatize and enlarge the truth. The Boaster doesn't plan to lie ---it happens automatically. Even if the real truth is worthy of attention, he must enlarge it.
Deep inside, the Boaster feels he is not good enough to warrant love and attention. He feels the truth is never enough for him to achieve the recognition he needs in his own eyes and in the eyes of others, so he stretches the truth.
The Boaster can never trust the love of others, for deep inside he knows he is lying. The closer people get, the more secretive and defensive he becomes. And the more he boasts, the less he trusts the attention and appreciation he gets.

Solution: The Boaster needs to practice being very accurate in what he says. He should find someone who truly does care for him and share with that person all the lies and pretenses he can remember and see that he can be loved for who he really is. The Boaster must learn to trust again, both himself and others. He needs consisten and honest feedback. To be easy on him is not doing him any service.

4. The Victim
This person was generally hurt very deeply at a young age and got a lot of sympathy. The Victim feels unworthy of love and support unless it is preceded by a great mishap or tragedy. Whenever something bad happens to the Victim, you can bet that the story gets a lot of mileage. If you are getting a lot of love, attention and sympathy by telling your Victim stories, watch out --you are reinforcing a pattern of getting love through experiencing and communication about pain and suffering. So if your stories get old and you want some love, presto! You will create a new dramatic tragedy. You might even use getting sick as a way of getting more love.

Solution: The Victim feels powerless in life and tries to control people by making them feel guilty. He refused to take responsibility for his life, so, quite subconsciously, others get sucked into trying to please the Victim and make him happy. The Victim MUST learn to develop his own personal power through taking responsibility for his life. He must resolve his stored-up, repressed anger and practice forgiving others.

5. The Nice Person
This person is always good-tempered, cheerful and very agreeable. He makes a great friend and generally has a lot of friends and acquaintances. The Nice Person learned early in life that compliance brings a reward, a smile or an embrace. He submits to every rule and regulation with mechanical precision. He is always doing what he 'should' be doing, intent on pleasing others, saying 'yes' to everyone. The Nice person never gets angry, but learns to accept and adapt to every situation. He never rocks the boat.

On the surface, the Nice Person is happy and content to be a part of the group, but inside his empty and alone. He is very afraid of being himself, for to do what he wants means risking disapproval. So, he has lost touch with what he really wants and who he really is. He has done everything right and according to the rules, but secretly feels controlled and cheated, lifeless and bored.
The Nice Person is trapped --- he can never really open up because others would find out he is really not so noce. By being nice, he has successfully repressed his own special uniqueness and has become a non-person.

Solution: The Nice Person needs to practice saying 'no' and meaning it. He needs to learn to express his anger. He must risk showing the not-so-nice person inside and see that not only will others still love him but that they may even feel closer to him because now he is more real.

6. The Self-Righteous Person
This person has learned that if he is wrong, people will not love him and will consider him bad. In order to get love, he attempts to be right at ALL costs. He can NEVER admit that he is wrong, for to confess his faults and failures would mean the loss of love and would be very painful to him. The Self-righteous Person often tries to make others wrong in order to be right himself. He has a rational excuse for everything he does. He could even become a great teacher. But don't try to have an argument with the Self-righteous Person because it will sound more like he is lecturing you on why you are wrong and he is right.

Solution: The Self-righteous Person needs to start practice saying "I'm Sorry", whenever he makes a mistake, even when he has a great excuse. Rationalization and justification are favorite ways of avoiding feelings, especially the feeling of guilt. This person needs to learn that others will love him, even if he is wrong or makes a mistake.

7. The Angry Person
This person walks around with a chip on his shoulder. For him, anger is a protection; it is a roar to scare away adversity. The Angry Person feels an inner inadequacy and is always trying to protect himself. To compensate for that feeling of inadequacy, he refuses to be adequately satisfied by the outer world. Nothing can please him. He projects his own inadequacy everywhere, hence feeling frustrated and bitter towards the world.

The Angry Person feels ripped off by life and is constantly trying to get even. He gets angry to the drop of a hat and remembers every injustice he has ever experienced. He delights in the shortcomings and failings of others and thus becomes overly competitive.

Solution: The Angry Person is stuck in feelings of anger and blame as a cover-up for his own feelings of inadequacy and hurt. He must learn that he still deserves love even if he is inadequate in certain areas. Each day he should practice forgiveness. Through loving and forgiving others, he will learn to truly love and forgive himself.

8. The Fake
This person has played so many roles he doesn't know who he is anymore. Behind every mask is another. He is always acting according to how others will receive him. The Fake will not risk controversy. He is an expert at impressing others in order to be liked. He plays the roles he thinks others want him to play and in the process becomes a hypocrite and a fraud.

Solution: The Fake probably never felt appreciated for being himself while growing up, so he decided that in order to get love, he had to be someone else, whomever others wanted him to be. Unfortunately, he cna never trust anyone's love or appreciation, because deep inside he knows he is a fake and that others don't knwo who he really is.

9. The Believer
This person has become so dependent on others for truth that he doesn't believe his own feelings. He learned growing up that to receive live, he merely has to agree and believe what others tell him. If you have a common belief, then the Believer is your friend, and if you contradict his belief, you are his enemy. The Believer loves to give away his won power and responsibility to others who can solve his problems for him. He expects you to love him because he agrees with you. If you disappoint the Believer's unrealistic expectations, he will withdraw his love and support.

The Believer has never gotten over the fact that his parents were not perfect. He always has high hopes, but is inevitably let down by others, and will continue to be until he starts to believe in himself.

Solution: The Believer must learn to take responsibility for his own life and forgive all the people who have let him down. He should question all he believes, and relate it to his own personal experience. The Believer needs to learn to trust his own feelings, instincts, and choices and look to himself as the source of wisdom and power in his life.

10. The Shy Person
This person's basic reaction to other people is fear. He fears their criticism, he fears their evaluation of him as a failure and he fears their inevitable rejection in the end. The Shy Person has little confidence that he is lovable to others. He has been taught that people will only accept him under certain conditions and if those conditions aren't present, he fears rejection. He may be an incredible musician or performer on stage, but offstage he becomes shy and insecure.

Solution: The Shy Person must learn to take risks. He should practice visualizing a risk and then act it out, gradually building up more confidence in himself and dispelling his fear of others. He needs to come out more and learn to trust himself and others again.

11. The Show-off
The Show-off believes what he does or possesses will make up for what he fails to be himself. He seeks to compensate for his own lack of self-esteem by owning big things, hoping this will attract the attention and recognition he desperately needs. To the Show-off, money is the symbol of love, and without it, he fears he will lose love. He cannot ask for love, but tries to buy it. Hi is unable to share his feelings directly, but does so by giving or withholding presents and material possessions.
Unfortunately, the Show-off never feels worthy of the love he does receive, because he knows he is being loved for his achievements and possessions and not for being himself. He often feels used and unappreciated.

Solution: The Show-off needs to practice sharing his feelings and allowing others to see who he is inside. He needs to work on his inner self-image and relax his outer image. Then he will learn that he can be loved for who he is and not for what he has or what he does.

12. The Loner
This person is always proving that he doesn't need others. At some some point while growing up, he didn't get the love and recognition he wanted, so he decided he didn't need it. The Loner has learned to become self-sufficient. Inside, he is an incredibly sensitive and caring spirit who has been hurt too many times. He has learned to 'care less', to be detached from his feelings, for to feel them would be too painful.
The Loner feels guilty for needing so much love and thus he denies his needs. "I can do it alone," he proudly proclaims. "I don't need you." Because he doesn't express his needs clearly, he is continually disappointed and hurt in relationships. He will also resent feeling obligated to satisty his partner's needs, just as he resents having his own needs. To the Loner, needs are a sign of weakness.
The easiest choice for the Loner is to just avoid relationships and live alone. The more he feels his needs, the more he will separate and retreat, thus pushing out the very love he needs so desperatley.

Solution: The Loner must learn to share his needs and to show his hurt and tears. He should reveal to others all of his secret expectaions and disappointments. Whenever he starts to sulk and retreat, he should find someone he cares about and share his feelings. The Loner needs to learn that need is not a dirty word and to find people in life who can fulfill his needs for love and appreciation.

13. The Sacrificer
This person learned that to love means to sacrifice or to give up for another. Probably while growing up, the Sacrificer's parents never let him forget how much they sacrificed and how they expected the same from him. For him, loving is a tiresome matter because to show his love, he must always do what he prefers not to do, or give up what he wants to keep.

The Sacrificer can never be what he wants to be, for that would be too selfish. For him, selfless giving is not giving with no strings attached, but it is a giving up or self-denial with a definite expectation of receiving the same in return. The Sacrificer expects the recipient of his love to return his gift of love through an equally painful sacrifice. "I suffered for you, so you suffer for me." For him, suffering is a virtue and is symbolic of true love.

Solution: The Sacrificer must leanr to lighten up the heavy loead he has placed on love and relationships. He needs to heal built-up repressed anger and resentment towards his parents and others and to forgive them for laying a "heavy guilt trip" on him. The Sacrificer needs to learn to give love freely without expecting equal sacrifice in return, and at the same time, he must remember not to give up his own needs and desires all the time.

Thanks for reading my blog and stay tuned for more real talk and tips to help you let go of some things so you can move forward.

Remember: Until you are aware of what you are doing, you have no choice but to continue doing. If you'd like to purchase this book, the author is John Gray and the name of the Book is "What You Feel, You Can Heal"