I'm writing this blog today bc I revisited a book I had bought not too long ago called "What You Feel, You Can Heal". I bought this book because I was dealing with some issues from my past and needed to be free and wanted to learn how to deal with my issues instead of trying to bury them all the time. Everyone of us have been hurt but we've gone through different situations in our lives that have affected us all differently.
I found this book interesting and wanted to share this particular chapter I read about how we as people do things just for the approval or love from others. We all have learned and adopted various behavioral strategies designed to get the approval and love we need. One thing all of us need and desire is... LOVE. The book was saying that the strategies we use to get the attention we want has become a role we play, or personality type that we have learned to act out whether consciously or unconsciously.
See if you can find yourself in any of these roles I'm about to list. I also give you a solution so that you can take off the mask and be yourself from this point on if you are not. Facing the truth and dealing with your insecurites will help you heal as a person.
1. The Performer
This person was given a lot of love for performing and excelling as a child. Performance is the assumed condition for love and recognition. He is always trying to measure up to the expectations of others and many times self-imposes even higher expectations. He always feels pressured and driven to achieve and there is no time for rest. He cannot tolerate weakness or stupidity in himself or others and tends to be very critical.
Secretly, the Perfomer feels he can never be good enough, since there is always room for more growth. This type may become very attached to people and positions, since a secret fear of rejection or abandonment motivates this behaviour. He generally feels responsible for everything.
Solution: The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be loved even when he is not performing. Take more vacations and read romantic novels. Give yourself a break - the high blood pressure isn't worth it.
2. The Critic
The Critic is preoccupied with finding, pointing out and talking about the faults of others. He rejoices in criticizing and belittling those around him. He may hate part of himself, projecting that quality onto others and then becoming extremely critical and judgmental of them. Whenever he is afraid of being judged, he is quick to retaliate with a string of judgements, often sarcastic in nature. For him, the best defense is a strong and critical offense.
The Critic is obsessed with changing or even punishing others in a subconscious attemtp to change himself. He is able to soothe his own feelings of inadequacy by proving the shortcomings of others.
Solution:If you have these traits, try to begin seeing yourself in all those that you judge and criticize. Imagine yourself in their footsteps -- look for a way in which you are like them. Then forgive yourself and forgive them for not being perfect. Just as you are good at finding reasons to separate, try finding reasons to feel connected to them.
3. The Boaster
This person compensated for low self-esteem by always exaggerating the truth and bragging. While growing up, he learned that to get attention he had to dramatize and enlarge the truth. The Boaster doesn't plan to lie ---it happens automatically. Even if the real truth is worthy of attention, he must enlarge it.
Deep inside, the Boaster feels he is not good enough to warrant love and attention. He feels the truth is never enough for him to achieve the recognition he needs in his own eyes and in the eyes of others, so he stretches the truth.
The Boaster can never trust the love of others, for deep inside he knows he is lying. The closer people get, the more secretive and defensive he becomes. And the more he boasts, the less he trusts the attention and appreciation he gets.
Solution: The Boaster needs to practice being very accurate in what he says. He should find someone who truly does care for him and share with that person all the lies and pretenses he can remember and see that he can be loved for who he really is. The Boaster must learn to trust again, both himself and others. He needs consisten and honest feedback. To be easy on him is not doing him any service.
4. The Victim
This person was generally hurt very deeply at a young age and got a lot of sympathy. The Victim feels unworthy of love and support unless it is preceded by a great mishap or tragedy. Whenever something bad happens to the Victim, you can bet that the story gets a lot of mileage. If you are getting a lot of love, attention and sympathy by telling your Victim stories, watch out --you are reinforcing a pattern of getting love through experiencing and communication about pain and suffering. So if your stories get old and you want some love, presto! You will create a new dramatic tragedy. You might even use getting sick as a way of getting more love.
Solution: The Victim feels powerless in life and tries to control people by making them feel guilty. He refused to take responsibility for his life, so, quite subconsciously, others get sucked into trying to please the Victim and make him happy. The Victim MUST learn to develop his own personal power through taking responsibility for his life. He must resolve his stored-up, repressed anger and practice forgiving others.
5. The Nice Person
This person is always good-tempered, cheerful and very agreeable. He makes a great friend and generally has a lot of friends and acquaintances. The Nice Person learned early in life that compliance brings a reward, a smile or an embrace. He submits to every rule and regulation with mechanical precision. He is always doing what he 'should' be doing, intent on pleasing others, saying 'yes' to everyone. The Nice person never gets angry, but learns to accept and adapt to every situation. He never rocks the boat.
On the surface, the Nice Person is happy and content to be a part of the group, but inside his empty and alone. He is very afraid of being himself, for to do what he wants means risking disapproval. So, he has lost touch with what he really wants and who he really is. He has done everything right and according to the rules, but secretly feels controlled and cheated, lifeless and bored.
The Nice Person is trapped --- he can never really open up because others would find out he is really not so noce. By being nice, he has successfully repressed his own special uniqueness and has become a non-person.
Solution: The Nice Person needs to practice saying 'no' and meaning it. He needs to learn to express his anger. He must risk showing the not-so-nice person inside and see that not only will others still love him but that they may even feel closer to him because now he is more real.
6. The Self-Righteous Person
This person has learned that if he is wrong, people will not love him and will consider him bad. In order to get love, he attempts to be right at ALL costs. He can NEVER admit that he is wrong, for to confess his faults and failures would mean the loss of love and would be very painful to him. The Self-righteous Person often tries to make others wrong in order to be right himself. He has a rational excuse for everything he does. He could even become a great teacher. But don't try to have an argument with the Self-righteous Person because it will sound more like he is lecturing you on why you are wrong and he is right.
Solution: The Self-righteous Person needs to start practice saying "I'm Sorry", whenever he makes a mistake, even when he has a great excuse. Rationalization and justification are favorite ways of avoiding feelings, especially the feeling of guilt. This person needs to learn that others will love him, even if he is wrong or makes a mistake.
7. The Angry Person
This person walks around with a chip on his shoulder. For him, anger is a protection; it is a roar to scare away adversity. The Angry Person feels an inner inadequacy and is always trying to protect himself. To compensate for that feeling of inadequacy, he refuses to be adequately satisfied by the outer world. Nothing can please him. He projects his own inadequacy everywhere, hence feeling frustrated and bitter towards the world.
The Angry Person feels ripped off by life and is constantly trying to get even. He gets angry to the drop of a hat and remembers every injustice he has ever experienced. He delights in the shortcomings and failings of others and thus becomes overly competitive.
Solution: The Angry Person is stuck in feelings of anger and blame as a cover-up for his own feelings of inadequacy and hurt. He must learn that he still deserves love even if he is inadequate in certain areas. Each day he should practice forgiveness. Through loving and forgiving others, he will learn to truly love and forgive himself.
8. The Fake
This person has played so many roles he doesn't know who he is anymore. Behind every mask is another. He is always acting according to how others will receive him. The Fake will not risk controversy. He is an expert at impressing others in order to be liked. He plays the roles he thinks others want him to play and in the process becomes a hypocrite and a fraud.
Solution: The Fake probably never felt appreciated for being himself while growing up, so he decided that in order to get love, he had to be someone else, whomever others wanted him to be. Unfortunately, he cna never trust anyone's love or appreciation, because deep inside he knows he is a fake and that others don't knwo who he really is.
9. The Believer
This person has become so dependent on others for truth that he doesn't believe his own feelings. He learned growing up that to receive live, he merely has to agree and believe what others tell him. If you have a common belief, then the Believer is your friend, and if you contradict his belief, you are his enemy. The Believer loves to give away his won power and responsibility to others who can solve his problems for him. He expects you to love him because he agrees with you. If you disappoint the Believer's unrealistic expectations, he will withdraw his love and support.
The Believer has never gotten over the fact that his parents were not perfect. He always has high hopes, but is inevitably let down by others, and will continue to be until he starts to believe in himself.
Solution: The Believer must learn to take responsibility for his own life and forgive all the people who have let him down. He should question all he believes, and relate it to his own personal experience. The Believer needs to learn to trust his own feelings, instincts, and choices and look to himself as the source of wisdom and power in his life.
10. The Shy Person
This person's basic reaction to other people is fear. He fears their criticism, he fears their evaluation of him as a failure and he fears their inevitable rejection in the end. The Shy Person has little confidence that he is lovable to others. He has been taught that people will only accept him under certain conditions and if those conditions aren't present, he fears rejection. He may be an incredible musician or performer on stage, but offstage he becomes shy and insecure.
Solution: The Shy Person must learn to take risks. He should practice visualizing a risk and then act it out, gradually building up more confidence in himself and dispelling his fear of others. He needs to come out more and learn to trust himself and others again.
11. The Show-off
The Show-off believes what he does or possesses will make up for what he fails to be himself. He seeks to compensate for his own lack of self-esteem by owning big things, hoping this will attract the attention and recognition he desperately needs. To the Show-off, money is the symbol of love, and without it, he fears he will lose love. He cannot ask for love, but tries to buy it. Hi is unable to share his feelings directly, but does so by giving or withholding presents and material possessions.
Unfortunately, the Show-off never feels worthy of the love he does receive, because he knows he is being loved for his achievements and possessions and not for being himself. He often feels used and unappreciated.
Solution: The Show-off needs to practice sharing his feelings and allowing others to see who he is inside. He needs to work on his inner self-image and relax his outer image. Then he will learn that he can be loved for who he is and not for what he has or what he does.
12. The Loner
This person is always proving that he doesn't need others. At some some point while growing up, he didn't get the love and recognition he wanted, so he decided he didn't need it. The Loner has learned to become self-sufficient. Inside, he is an incredibly sensitive and caring spirit who has been hurt too many times. He has learned to 'care less', to be detached from his feelings, for to feel them would be too painful.
The Loner feels guilty for needing so much love and thus he denies his needs. "I can do it alone," he proudly proclaims. "I don't need you." Because he doesn't express his needs clearly, he is continually disappointed and hurt in relationships. He will also resent feeling obligated to satisty his partner's needs, just as he resents having his own needs. To the Loner, needs are a sign of weakness.
The easiest choice for the Loner is to just avoid relationships and live alone. The more he feels his needs, the more he will separate and retreat, thus pushing out the very love he needs so desperatley.
Solution: The Loner must learn to share his needs and to show his hurt and tears. He should reveal to others all of his secret expectaions and disappointments. Whenever he starts to sulk and retreat, he should find someone he cares about and share his feelings. The Loner needs to learn that need is not a dirty word and to find people in life who can fulfill his needs for love and appreciation.
13. The Sacrificer
This person learned that to love means to sacrifice or to give up for another. Probably while growing up, the Sacrificer's parents never let him forget how much they sacrificed and how they expected the same from him. For him, loving is a tiresome matter because to show his love, he must always do what he prefers not to do, or give up what he wants to keep.
The Sacrificer can never be what he wants to be, for that would be too selfish. For him, selfless giving is not giving with no strings attached, but it is a giving up or self-denial with a definite expectation of receiving the same in return. The Sacrificer expects the recipient of his love to return his gift of love through an equally painful sacrifice. "I suffered for you, so you suffer for me." For him, suffering is a virtue and is symbolic of true love.
Solution: The Sacrificer must leanr to lighten up the heavy loead he has placed on love and relationships. He needs to heal built-up repressed anger and resentment towards his parents and others and to forgive them for laying a "heavy guilt trip" on him. The Sacrificer needs to learn to give love freely without expecting equal sacrifice in return, and at the same time, he must remember not to give up his own needs and desires all the time.
Thanks for reading my blog and stay tuned for more real talk and tips to help you let go of some things so you can move forward.
Remember: Until you are aware of what you are doing, you have no choice but to continue doing. If you'd like to purchase this book, the author is John Gray and the name of the Book is "What You Feel, You Can Heal"